can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
