I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
