I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
