Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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