you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
