sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
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My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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