there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
