I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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