I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Mom said you looked used
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize
