Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
