Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
