Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
