Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
