im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
bring money and cleavage
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
