I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
