i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
