2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
