I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
