fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
