I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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