Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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