there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
