Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
