My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
