one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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