My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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