Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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