I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
That was an excessively violent trivia night
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
