So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
