Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
