no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
