There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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