I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
