Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
