I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
