i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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