She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
