he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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