Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
