we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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