in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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