So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
