Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
