bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
