I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
This is the high leading the old right now
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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