I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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