I'm sorry my penis didn't work
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
