i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
