I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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