I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?