for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL