it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.