he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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