oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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