i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
