She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
