when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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