Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
