I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
