Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
