I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
