How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
